Hiatus

It's been a while, but I'm back.

Me complaining about my dad in my last post was me blowing it out of proportion. He ended up actually having to be admitted to the hospital, and he had some form of pneumonia that was really severe. He got out okay though, and he's doing just fine now. I'm thankful for that.

I guess I just want to talk about college for a bit. There's so much that can influence you - alcohol, sex, drugs, and other things...I can't say I've partaken in all of those things, but I've drank before, smoked weed before, and smoke hookah more than occasionally.

I haven't had sex though. Honestly, I wish I could soon. I ended up realizing before the new year approached that I hadn't kissed a single girl in 2013. As a matter of fact, the closest I got to a girl was me fondling her boobs when she told me that wearing two bras made a difference. It's funny, because, well, had I played the right cards, maybe I'd have had a shot with her - but now she's dating my roommate. It's fine, because she's crazy though. Anyway, I hadn't kissed anyone in 2013. My first kiss was when I was 15, with my first girlfriend, and that was in 2009. 2010 came around and we were still together, so there was that. In 2011, I had a thing with a girl who I believed was the most attractive in my entire high school, but she was almost a year older than me and had a boyfriend who was a few years older. We kind of had a thing while they were still dating, but nothing more. Looking back on that, I've realized that once again, had I played my cards right, I could have done something with her, too. In 2013, I hooked up with the girl I asked to a dance way back in freshman year of high school, but I only got to second base. Some people say she's kind of a prude, but she's also a great girl. Regardless, we were in my roommate's bed (the one I mentioned earlier, I know, I'm a scumbag), and two other people were in the room. Last year though - no one.

I've gained weight, acquired some blemishes on my nose, I don't have great hair (both on my head and facial hair), and overall I don't feel like I'm an attractive person. In fact, I'm most definitely the ugliest of my roommates, I've consistently been compared to other ugly guys, when people say I look like them. It hurts my feelings, because they all are basically saying that I'm ugly. I don't really take it to heart, when maybe, I should. I can't develop the motivation to go and get into shape. I would love to work out, get some acne remover, and get a girlfriend, but I'm too lazy. Today, one of my friends told me that I needed a girl. My three roommates all have either girlfriends or girls they're in some sort of relationship with, but not me. I haven't had a girlfriend in college, and I'm so jealous. I'm jealous of the fact that they get to wake up in the morning with a person that they love in their arms. I'm jealous that there's no one who I consider decently attractive that feels the same way about me as other people's girlfriends think about them. I'd love to go and work out, but I'm lazy. It's far, too. I bought a Fitbit Force, but I don't think it's helping me.

When I was younger, me and all my friends thought college was gonna be us playing video games all day and all night. For me, it's like that. When I get time, I love playing video games. I play all the time. I met a friend who I've recently become close with, and together we play video games. Other people like to go out, drink, get wasted, and possibly find someone to go home with at the end of the night. I can't do that though. I don't have the same looks or charm that other people have. I used to be a sweet-talker, but now? None of that. I changed a lot when I had my first girlfriend, people told me that. I can't believe that I did, because I didn't feel like that happened. I've learned from the mistakes I've made and I'm ready to be dating someone. The last time I dated a girl, my grades improved dramatically, and I was always happy (except when I wanted attention...I know, I'm an attention whore). I could have had sex with her, but she didn't seem to be ready. She's crazy now too. Oh well.

I just left a party because I couldn't handle being in a room where all I did was talk to the people I always talk to and drink stupid alcohol and do absolutely nothing productive with my life. No girl who ends up going there wants to talk to me. They don't want anything to do with me. I'm not the kind of guy that girls see and realize that they want to dance with me. I'm the kind of guy who sits by himself at the drinks area or with friends and doesn't even drink.

Across the hall, my friend and his girl who told me that I need a girl, were having "date night". I'd love to take a girl out on a date. I'd pay for everything, I know we'd have a great time. In high school, I lived too far away from my girlfriend to ever take her out. I also didn't make any money, so I had to starve myself to save lunch money to get her something nice. She never showed any affection, and from what I see now in the dorms, on the streets, in classes, at parties...some guys just have it so lucky. Being born attractive or having someone attracted to them. I hate being the way I am. I hate the guy I've become.

People might see me all cheerful and whatnot, but in all honesty, I think I'm actually depressed. Not a single girl texts me that I'm interested in (and the ones who do text me just need something from me real quick or was someone I just happened to see while going somewhere). Man, if I could find a girl at all, let alone one that likes video games, or Dragon Ball Z, or soccer, or something...that'd be the best. I wish I could pay someone to look into my future, if stuff like that actually existed. I just want to see who I end up with. Here's the thing - the people who have girlfriends, they also seem to be more successful than I am. They look good, they do well in their classes, they have internships and jobs lined up, and then there's me - I do nothing, I have nothing, I do poorly in school (or, not as good as I want to).

Whatever. Fuck it. I'm going to play video games now.